Eddie: It had been a minute since my family left d.C.,
And we were all definitely settling into orlando.
I became my school's first black president.
Dad put the restaurant on the map.
I got this idea from watching a baby. [ laughs ]
Eat up, my babies!
[ all cheer ]
My brothers were still nerds.
Shifting to hyper-speed.
We're on our way, santa!
Ohh!
Grandma was busy doing her thing.
But no one was fitting in better than moms.
She was down with "melrose place"... Woman on tv: [ splashing, giggling ]
So brooke wrote a letter to letter to alison
In billy's voice, all while paul is getting a divorce
And asking matt to help him move out.
My, you have come a long way since calling it
"the melrose street."
That is still a better name.
Her real estate game was on point.
♪ all I wanna do is look clean in my lac ♪
♪ blowin' on some purple while I lean in my lac ♪
♪ I get that good sticky, you ain't seen none of that ♪
♪ and I keep my killas lookin' so mean in the back ♪
She was assimilating like a fiend.
[ both scream ]
[ exhales sharply ]
So when she got invited to join
The north orlando country club, she was like...
Oh, hell, yeah!
For her, this was the ultimate symbol of success.
There's just one problem.
No. Too expensive.
But the restaurant is doing so well now.
Hey, if I'm not worried about money,
You shouldn't be either.
Their tennis court has a ball boy.
I like playing on the municipal court.
It's just as nice.
[ crow cawing ]
Okay, my serve.
[ ball bounces ]
[ dog barks and growls ] oh, god.
[ barking ]
Oh, god! [ growling ]
Just give the dog your tennis ball!
It's brand-new!
What am I made of, tennis balls?! [ barking continues ]
♪ fresh off the boat
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ if you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ fresh off the boat
♪ homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ but I know where I'm goin'
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
My school did this thing called world cultures day.
All the parents were invited,
And every kid got a country to represent.
What country did you get, eddie?
Iceland.
Dave, I may need to borrow your bjork cd.
How do you know I have that? Your taste in music sucks.
So...What countries did you guys get?
We all traded for the caribbean islands.
It's an easy "a."
It's just sand, sun, and reggae, mon.
Walter, can you believe what he's saying about your people?
My people are from colorado.
The islands are more than just beaches.
They're part of black history.
I know. I've listened to "buffalo soldier."
Yeah, but have you heard it?
Y'all need me in the caribbean section.
What country's left?
Jamaica. But brian dunlop has it,
And he's never gonna trade.
[ grunts ]
Brother's gonna work it out.
Hey.
You like "boy meets world"?
Love it.
If you trade me jamaica,
I'll hook you up with topanga's phone number.
Please. There's no way you have her number.
Then how would I know the first number's 4?
[ rings ]
This is topanga.
Yes.
[ bag crinkles ]
Yes.
[ country music playing]
I know why jessica asked you here.
[ sighs deeply ]
Oh, we just wanted to check out your restaurant. [ chuckles ]
Oh, are you two members of the north orlando country club?
Not smooth, jessica. Not smooth.
Come on, louis, you've got to join.
This club is classy as hell.
It's just not a good time for us financially.
I'm considering opening up
A second location of the restaurant.
Oh, I have pals at the club that can help you with that.
Ted handles small business loans.
And bert? He's a commercial contractor.
Oh, such powerful first names, louis.
Business happens at the club every day.
It's nothing but fresh white towels
And handshake deals. [ marvin chuckles ]
Pet shop boys: ♪ I've got the brains
♪ you've got the looks
♪ let's make lots of money
♪ you've got the brawn
♪ I've got the brains
♪ let's make lots of
Fine, I'll go on a tour.
Oh! Yay!
Good man.
Oh, and, hey,
We can be your first asian-american members.
Ooh! Oh, I didn't even think of that. [ chuckles ]
You know, sometimes I forget you guys are chinese.
[ all laugh ]
Oh, what do you mean? [ chuckles ]
O-oh, you know.
You guys are just like regular old americans to us. [ chuckles ]
Yeah. Ooh! How are the crunch bites?
Mnh, neither crunchy or bite-sized.
The name is quite misleading. They're wet and huge.
[ water boiling ]
Mom! I requested a pop quiz, and I got an "a"-plus on it.
I made a drawing of our family riding a horse.
Good job, boys.
[ drawer closes ]
Why won't she put our stuff up on the fridge anymore?
"good job, boys"? What does that even mean?
I remember when all it took to get up there
Was a drawing of a hand turkey.
You know what happened, right?
We've been too awesome for too long.
She's gotten used to greatness.
That just means I gotta step up my game.
You? I'm gonna get something on that fridge before you.
Shh! Hear that?
Oh, it's just me...
Coming for you.
Uh, hey, marvin's taking me on a tour of the club tomorrow.
Have you seen my good tennis shorts?
The one with the turtle on it?
Are we chinese enough?
Yes. What?
Marvin says sometimes he forgets we're chinese.
Maybe he's forgetting because we're forgetting.
I mean, when did we start wearing shoes in the house?
[ shoes squeak ]
Shoes in the house from now on!
My feet are crazy wide.
They're like suction cups in those boots.
Wearing shoes in the house
Isn't the only thing that's different about us.
Look, all marvin meant was he sees us as americans first.
Isn't that what we want?
What I don't want is for the boys to forget
Where they came from.
Look, jessica, we're doing fine.
We're so chinese.
I guess I'm overthinking it.
Yes, don't worry.
Hey, mom, I need help with my mandarin.
I'm trying to talk with grandma.
Oh. Oh, that's very good. Oh, my sweet boy.
How do you say,
"can you say that in english, grandma?"
Big ups, y'all!
Mom, I'm jamaican.
Ja-makin' me dinner, mom?
Mom, ja-making me dinner?
What?
Ugh! What's for dinner, mom?
Macaroni and...Cheese.
[ whispers ] with bacon bits!
♪
Jessica: Boys! Breakfast!
Why are you dressed like chun-li from "street fighter"?
I'm making some changes around here.
From now on, no more wearing shoes in the house.
But I need my arch supports. I got dad's wide-ass feet.
We are also going to start speaking more mandarin at home.
But I only know the bad words.
Which is why I'm enrolling you in chinese school
After your regular school...
In tampa.
[ speaks mandarin ]
But tampa's, like, two hours away!
It's important we don't forget our heritage.
We all have to make sacrifices.
I'm even giving up "melrose place."
[ speaks mandarin ]
Well, I wish I could do all this,
But I gotta go work on my jamaica project.
And that's another thing.
I want eddie to be assigned china for world cultures day.
Well, we purposely didn't give china to eddie
Because we thought it would be racist.
So you treated him differently because he's chinese?
Switch eddie to china.
Absolutely.
♪
Thank you for the ride, sweetheart.
Of course, daddy. I'll be by the pool.
Okay. No bikinis.
No bikinis!
[ latch clicks, tennis balls bouncing ]
And this... Is our tennis court, louis.
The net is always taut.
We have an endless supply of tennis balls.
Ha ha! See?
Who cares where that went? [ laughs ] [ laughs ]
Come on. Whack a few with me.
Really? Yeah.
Okay. [ chuckles ]
Give it a shot.
Whoa. [ laughs ] [ laughs ]
Uh-huh? This is so wasteful.
Ah. [ laughs ] [ laughs ]
So...You ready to join?
Uh, the amenities are great,
But it still feels like too much of a luxury right now.
Hey, you recognize that fellow over there?
It's the hoagie king! Yep, he's a member.
And that fella he's talking to?
He owns a wholesale bakery.
[ gasps ] man, if I had a connection like that,
I could get cheaper bread rolls.
[ chuckles ] well, think bigger, my friend. Think bigger!
Ted!
This jerk here wants to expand his steakhouse.
You interested?
Let's talk business in my cabana.
[ chuckles ] a cabana?
I like a guy who likes to get out of the sun.
Yeah, you know it. [ chuckles ]
[ door opens and closes ]
I got a 150 out of 100 on my quiz.
That's never happened before.
I made a drawing of you in stipple.
[ speaks mandarin ]
[ sighs ]
[ door closes ] I don't know what she said, but I know what she said.
Mom, why did you get me reassigned?
I had jamaica. I was on easy street.
[ jamaican accent ] every-ting gonna be "irie."
[ normal voice ] jamaica's so much cooler than china.
You know what's cool?
A wall you can see from space -- china.
Birthplace of kung fu -- china.
Gunpowder, the compass, gambling -- china, china, china!
[ screams ] what is that?
Chicken feet. It's for good fidelity.
I don't want good fidelity.
You know what else is cool?
[ speaks mandarin ]
China.
I can see its...Toenail.
I don't wanna eat this.
Eat your feet!
No! Homework!
Evan: No, no! I gotta do homework! Love you!
[ door opens ]
Great news! I joined the country club!
We're all members.
No, we're not doing that anymore. Cancel the membership.
What?
We need to reconnect with our culture,
Not surround ourselves with white people
Doing white things.
You know what's a white thing? Hanging up a buddha picture.
Jessica, you got me all excited about the country club,
And now I wanna do it.
Our parents made sure we knew where we came from.
We need to do the same thing for the boys.
[ sighs ]
Where are the boys, anyway?
[ speaking mandarin loudly ]
Amazing. They found a way to make tampa worse.
[ whispers ] what is the teacher saying?
[ whispers ] I don't know.
[ continues speaking mandarin loudly ]
[ whispers ] oh! That sounded like the word for "the."
This is madness.
[ man continues speaking mandarin loudly ]
You know what'll impress mom and get us up on the fridge?
No, obviously I don't! Me neither.
But whatever it is, it's gonna happen here.
[ continues speaking mandarin loudly ]
♪
Boy: A 5, 6, 7, 8...
Boys: ♪ aruba, jamaica
♪ ooh, I wanna take ya
♪ to bermuda, bahama
♪ come on, pretty...
[ laughter ]
Hey, eddie, looks like I got jamaica and topanga.
You know I just gave you my home phone number, right?
[ tv playing indistinctly ] yes.
Yes.
Shut up. I knew that.
[ traditional russian music playing ]
[ song ends, boots stomp ]
Wonderful job on russia, brock.
You haven't seen anything... Nyet.
[ laughs ] brock! [ laughs ]
Again, I urge you to consider
Being our tony in "west side story."
Okay.
And now let's traverse the eurasian steppe to china,
Where eddie huang has...
What is this?
A bowl, soy sauce, and a xerox of ling ling the panda.
China.
Eddie, you're lucky this is just a practice run.
I need to see some effort,
Or you're going to get an "f" tomorrow.
♪
I know you're not actually reading.
That's just hurtful, is what it is.
[ muzak playing]
This way. This way. [ chuckles ]
What are we doing here?
I need to go buy a thousand-year-old egg.
Okay, see this empty space?
The potato bar craze is finally over.
Did it ever begin? Mm.
Now imagine this as the future location
Of "cattleman's express."
There's low overhead, lots of foot traffic,
We'd have positive cash flow from day one.
Ted can get us a break on rent.
Ted who? No idea.
I met him once at the club, and look where it led.
See? This is what the country club gets us,
Opportunities like this.
All I see is white people, hot dogs,
And a wolfgang chang's.
That catfish with a smile of an idiot is our boys.
If we drop the ball,
They'll end up getting their culture
From fake chinese restaurants like this one.
"eddie, what's buddhism?"
[ imitates eddie ] "orange chicken." that's going overboard.
No, that's how we end up with grandkids named "bitsy,"
By joining country clubs to make business deals.
But the country club has
Complimentary ice blue aqua velva aftershave.
Louis, success is important,
But it is meaningless if we lose ourselves.
[ sighs heavily ]
Okay, fine.
If you feel that strongly,
I'll put cattleman's express on hold
And cancel our club membership.
[ indistinct conversations ]
It's really a shame...
That jessica couldn't make it!
[ all laugh ]
Yeah, too bad.
Luckily, this jerk could sub in.
[ all laugh ]
What a jerk!
[ all laugh ]
After this, let's talk cattleman's express.
Sounds like a plan, ass wipe.
Uh, sorry, too far?
I'm learning.
[ all laugh ]
[ laughs nervously ]
[ door opens ]
[ door closes ]
Louis... Judas priest!
Why are you home so early?
Uh, nowhere. [ chuckles ]
Um, I mean... To grout the tub?
[ sniffs ]
I smell ice blue aqua velva aftershave,
Like the kind they have at the country club.
Hmm, that's weird.
If I come over there and smell your face,
Will it smell ice blue?
No.
Fine! Yes! I was at the country club, god!
You said you were gonna cancel the membership!
Well, I was, but...
Wait, why are you home?
Thought you were going shopping for a thousand-year-old egg.
It...Hatched.
Oh, it hatched.
Isn't "melrose place" on right now?
I don't know.
So...If I go over there and put my hand on the tv,
Will it be warm?
No.
Okay, fine! I was watching "melrose place," god!
I knew it! Melrose frickin' place!
I like it, okay? I like all of it.
"melrose place," rollerblading, mac and cheese.
It's so easy to make. You just add water.
It's cheese from water.
[ exhales ] it's okay for us to like this stuff.
But I hate that I like it,
And I hate that I am too weak to give it up.
I keep telling the boys to hold on to their identity,
But I can't even do it myself.
They have me, louis.
I'm just a chipwich-eating american couch lady.
Jessica, we are not losing our identity.
Mom, I don't care if you get mad at me.
[ door closes ] I don't wanna be china. I wanna be jamaica!
[ sighs deeply ] I see they have him, too.
Okay, fine, be jamaica. What's the point?
Yes! Thank jah.
Look at my painting of an ancient chinese village.
I calligraphied
The chinese symbol for "refrigerator."
It's both art and a label.
[ sighs ] yours is so clever.
Yours is so detailed. It's really taking me there.
Thanks. You know...
If we partner up, we can both get on the fridge.
That's a great idea! Let's "turner & hooch" this.
Both: I call hooch!
[ indistinct conversations ]
[ steel drums playing ]
Should we sing "kokomo" again?
It was fun once, dave.
Simmer down, walter. We're on island time.
I am so glad I switched back to jamaica.
It's just so much cooler than china.
I mean, even greece would've been cooler.
[ all laugh ]
Yeah, china just has, like, pandas.
And what's cool about pandas? They're all like...
Hurgy-gurgy-gurgy-gurgy.
[ all laugh ]
What do you mean?
What?
Does china amuse you?
I was just joking around.
Oh, well, I like jokes.
Explain to me what's so funny so I can laugh, too.
[ exhales ] I think trent just meant --
I think trent can talk for himself.
He said a joke about china,
And I wanna know what he meant by it.
Well, I...Um...
Should we get involved?
[ under breath ] stay out of it. Just stay out of it.
White african.
Where is our chinese jamaican? [ sighs ]
Jessica...
Eddie: Don't be makin' fun of china!
I'm chinese, trent. You know what's cool?
A wall you can see from space -- china.
We got 5,000 years of history, dawg.
What's your chief export, barbados? The chronic?
Actually, it's electrical components.
Oh, word.
You know who makes them into stereos? China!
Same with those air jordans you love so much.
Just do it? Just made it.
In china.
I didn't think he was listening.
See? I told you. Our boys are going to be okay.
This wouldn't be happening if I still had jamaica.
Brian?
Topanga?
[ groans softly ]
♪
[ door closes ]
Hey, mom.
I got my world cultures day report back.
You need to sign it. [ sighs ]
You got an "f"?
I spent so much time schooling trent on china,
That I never did my jamaica presentation.
The timing couldn't be better to show her this.
I almost feel bad.
I don't. Let's move.
[ magnet thuds ]
This belongs up here.
I'm proud of you, eddie.
Cool. Thanks, mom.
Come on!
[ speaks mandarin ]
Florida plates! It's official.
Hey, when did that get on there?
Jessica: I got it from your school.
Emery and evan: She's proud of me!
You? You?
[ door opens ]
[ the notorious b.I.G.'s "juicy" playing ]
Hey, girl. We goin' to the country club.
Maybe I'll invite you next time.
My dad's on the board.
There's a picture of me in the entranceway.
They named a side dish after me -- the ni-coleslaw.
Next time then.
I bet they have white valets.
I hope we get our car parked by a blonde one.
[ door slides closed ] don't sleep on the redheads.
One of those would be good, too.
♪ you know very well who you are ♪
And that's how my family started reppin' orlando.
My mom had nothing to worry about,
Because no matter what,
We were never gonna leave our heritage behind.
Evan: I think we forgot grandma.
[ tires screech, song stops ]
[ scoffs ]
♪ and if you don't know, now you know, you know ♪